Ian (1993-2009)

This was my very first car. Got it in the summer of '08. I was 19 years old and just got my driver's license. I named my car "Ian", after Ian Curtis of Joy Division. Every time I started the car it would make this deep, rumbling noise that reminded me of Curtis' timber. "Ian" may have not had air conditioning, which annoyed my brother, but he sure had a great heater, which made the bro complain a little less during those cold, Southern California winters. The seat belts were a bit wonky, too and depending on where you sat, it was a different experience. The back seat had absolutely no seat belts. If you were on the driver's side you had to lift the seat belt. If you were on the passenger side the seat belt tried to strangle you (It was one of those that moved automatically when you opened and shut the door).

My dad changed the hood since the original wasn't very sturdy. So instead of getting a hood that matched the car, he got a completely different colored hood. It wasn't just a silver car anymore--it was silver and maroon! I can't tell you how many men thought I was awesome for having a two toned car. It made all the boys' panties wet! I also personalized my car with a Joy Division sticker (Appropriate since I named him "Ian") and Piña Colada air freshner, another thing my bro complained about ("Why does your car always smell?")

I never had sex in the car simply because I never got the chance to. Six months after I got him he was sideswiped by some moron going 90 mph on a residential street. "Ian" was parked outside my house. Luckily no one got hurt. However "Ian" was way too old to salvage so I had to junk him. I cried like a little baby about it. My first love became a cube of metal. But I got two grand out of it and bought a '96 Mercury Sable Station Wagon for a thousand. I call him "Daryl", after Daryl Palumbo from Glassjaw (Screw giving female names to cars)! A few months after I got the station wagon it started making weird gurgling noises and throwing up water. Palumbo has Crohn's Disease, so it felt appropriate. "Daryl" gives me problems from time to time, but I can't even imagine losing him! God knows what I'll do if I have to junk him or if he becomes non-operational.

I never took a picture of "Ian", so you can imagine my surprise last year when the bro and I were fucking around on Google Earth and I found "Ian" outside our old townhouse. "Ian" may have moved on to bigger and better things, but there will always be a record of him out there in Google Earth...at least until they update it.