The Jokes, section 3: No Seriously, These Are The Jokes

"KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK HELLOOOOO Okay we're coming in."

"Look at this creep. Passed out on center stage. And sweet lord look at the sheer number of empty bottles on the floor."

"Well, you know, he's a loser. This is the very definition of a has-been. Hey, who's the hairy baldo in the engineering room? Looks like God tried to chalk this guy's head with a....with a....oh screw it we're not on the air yet."

"Look at him. He's staring at us like he doesn't know who we are. Can you believe that, the lax screening station employers employ in this day and age. There should be a test for applicants and our picture should be the answer key. Davey, go see if he's capable of working our spots. Bring the script with you so he knows our cues."

"One sec, A.B. I want to check that this waste of space on our stool isn't dead because you know and I know that I don't need the trouble but I don't know if he knows. Eh, schmuck's fine. Happy Landing Thump!"

"Stop playing with the husk of a man, will you. That bald son of a gun is looking at us like we're wasting his time, like he had anything better to do."

"I know something better he could do. Get a shave. And he don't need to worry about the two bits. I've got one in each fist."

"Stop joking Davey, go in there and give him the strip. When I expect a boom of a bass drum I better hear a boom."

"And when you tell a joke there better be some canned laughter because otherwise who would know."

"Davey, please, time is money, time is short, time is a commodity."

"I thought time was what went with Rosemary, Sage and Parsley. Like that, and they say we're out of touch with the hip music of today. Boom! Rimshot. We've got this. Assuming he's got this."

"The script, Davey. That's what he don't got."

"Alright, alright already. One gastric bypass and you're a grouch. Shouldn't there be more room in your heart now, A.B.?"

"Why you. Oh yeah, we're good. We're hip. Let's just not break any. So, what did our esteemed engineer say?"

"Everyone today, so goddamn entitled. I swear to god. Just ass and sass, snide and my god everyone's got a surly attitude and-"

"Jesus Christ David, you've got to keep your temper under goddamn control. This may be our last chance. Let's do it right. Let's do it like we used to."

"Uggggghhhhhhh"

"Alright so what are you moaning for, A.B.?"

"That wasn't me. Wasn't it you?

"Ugggggghhhhhh"

"Maybe it was that meshuggenah cueball with enough stubble to-"

"Da-vey!"

"Ugggggghhhh, god I'm still alive"

"Oh hey, how do you like that? It was the bum you kicked into the back corner, Davey!"

"Well so it is. Hellloooooo Mr. godforsaken bum. Are you able to stand up, able to get the fuck out of our booth Mr. godforsaken bum? Hmmmmm?"

"Your....That was you kicking me? I felt that you rat's ass muckerfuther. I'm still feeling that. Damnit are you wearing steel-toed boots? Why would you do that?"

"Hey buster, those are genuine leather two-buckle character shoes. They're durable. They're pragmatic. More importantly, they're classy like my friend here so keep your muzzle on. Besides, we can't afford the tennis sneakers you've got there, sir. Do you rob banks? How do you keep yourself supplied with such an adequate wardrobe? It's uncanny."

"The fug are you going off...hey, hell, I used to grow up on you guys. I can't believe you guys are here, standing in my sick. Made you look. But honestly, this is amazing."

"So Mr. fat and ugly is a fan?"

"No, I just can't believe you guys are still alive. Hey! Georgie! What're you doing letting these bozos unseat me from my seat. And so rudely too. *Cough!*Hack*Hork!* Don't I treat you well enough to *HACK*"

[over the booth mic] "Yeah, they just walked in. Started insulting me. They think I'm gonna run the boards for them. Fuck 'em up for me."

"Yes, I will do that because I am the clown and I deserve respect. I don't deserve being kick by a couple of eleventy year olds off their meds. Unfortunately I really don't have the will to get up so have your show. For future fucking reference, though, please schedule first so there won't be this....kind of unfortunateness. Just because you're older than Hammurabi doesn't mean you're exempt from rules."

"As I understood it, clown, everyone's exempt from rule now. Least that's what the kids that mugged us on the way here told us. I'm inclined to believe them."

"That's right. They had guns!"

"But we'll forgive you this ingratitude for our inspiration and instead we'll just remind you how this business is done. With class and sport. With verve and pride. Just lay back, clown, and learn everything you forgot falling onto your face for the fun of it."

"Ready A.B.? Okay, baldie? When I count to three we're on. We're starting with the crocodile bit. It'll be a time trip everyone. Watch. Learn. One. Two. Three.

TO BE CONTINUED